Karen

I grew up with loving parents who provided for me and protected me. It was not a Christian home. The family unit began to fall apart when I was in my early teens, and when I was sixteen, my parents divorced. The divorce occurred around the same time I broke up with my first boyfriend and I was very lonely. My family, as I had known it, was gone. My parents had their own problems and I no longer got the attention, love, or affirmation I so needed, and I didn’t know how to ask for it. I began to look for love in the wrong places and became pregnant when I was 19 years old. I was very scared and confused and felt all alone. The father of the child was quickly out of the picture and I didn’t think I could raise a child by myself. So, I felt my only option was to have an abortion.

I believed at the time that abortion was my right and my choice...that’s what they had been telling us for years. Society's lies had told us that our lives were more important, that we were to look out for number one, and to not let anything interfere with our plans. Because I had bought into these lies, I became a very selfish person. And because of my selfishness, I came to believe that pregnancy and motherhood were an inconvenience and a burden, rather than a blessing.

Also, the abortion providers and pro-choice representatives said that it was a safe, simple procedure and that it was just a "blob of tissue," a "clump of cells," a "product of conception." They said it wasn’t a baby yet. I was around 8 to 10 weeks pregnant when I had the abortion and I believed what they had told me. I wish I would have known then what I know now: that it was a baby inside of me, and he was fully formed and all his major organs were in place. He already had finger prints and his brain waves were detectable. His heart had already been beating for over a month. I didn’t know that then, but I know it now. They lied, and I believed them.

I remember very little about the abortion. I remember talking with a woman who conducted the intake. She made it appear that the abortion procedure was no big deal. I understood the abortion to be a safe procedure that simply removed a "tissue mass" from my uterus. As I mentioned above, I now know that it wasn’t a "mass of tissue"....It was my living baby that they ripped from my womb.

Next, I remember lying on a cold metal table with a couple nurses in the room. They were very nice to me and I trusted them. They put an IV in my arm and told me to count backwards from 100. I don’t think I even got to 90 before I was out.

The next thing I remember, I woke up in a recovery room. This room had several beds in it and several young girls and women who were all recovering from their abortions. I was very groggy from the anesthetic and was cramping and bleeding. They said this was normal. I had to lie there for some time before I was able to get up and go home.

After I got dressed, I met my Mom in waiting room and we left together. When I left the clinic, I remember feeling relieved, because I thought "my problem" had been solved. However, it would prove later, that the abortion didn't solve "my problem," it just created more problems.

After the abortion, my lifestyle became more and more destructive and my drug use increased. I was not able to see that the abortion was causing me pain because it was legal and "my right." How could something that was legal and "my right," be bothering me? Because of my destructive lifestyle, I became pregnant three more times. Because I was still in denial and still believed the lies, I made the tragic decisions to have three more abortions.

During the span of four years between my first abortion and my last, I had become clinically depressed. I also suffered from anxiety and panic attacks. I admitted myself into a couple of psychiatric hospitals when the pain was too much to bear alone. I talked with many psychologists over the years, never addressing the abortions. The deception and denial was so great that, again, I had no idea the abortions could be bothering me.

My life continued to spiral down deeper and deeper into a pit of despair,  until one day, I felt as if I no longer wanted to live (My guilt has overwhelmed me like a burden too heavy to bear" Psalms 38:4). By the grace of God, I did not attempt suicide, but rather reached out for help.

I stopped drinking and taking drugs and eventually learned about Jesus Christ and that he had died on a cross for my sins. I wanted the mercy, grace, and forgiveness Christ had to offer me, so I repented of my sins and I knew that Christ had forgiven me for all that I had done, including the abortions.

It took several more years before I was ready to deal with all the emotions caused by the abortions. A few years ago I went through a post-abortion recovery program, and it was then that I was able to deal with the unforgiveness, anger, guilt, shame, sorrow, and grief that I had pushed down for so many years. I put personhood to each of my babies by naming them and I had a memorial service for them. This helped to bring closure to the children I lost from abortion.

The healing program proved to be a life-changing experience for me. The Lord has now set me free from the bondage of shame, guilt, and grief, and now He is able to use me to help others who are still hurting.

Although the Lord has forgiven me and set me free, I will never forget what I have done and I will always regret it. I will have to live with it the rest of my life and I will have an empty place in my heart for the children I lost to abortion. And at 45 years of age, I have no living children. But the Lord has restored me and given me a renewed hope, and I am now able to stand publicly and profess that "I Regret My Abortions" and I will be "Silent No More."

Angie

MY CHOICE, MY LOSS

In April of 1982, I suspected I was pregnant. When I told my boyfriend of thirteen months, he was stunned. He told me to go to a doctor to make sure the home pregnancy test result was right.  I went to Planned Parenthood and their test confirmed I was pregnant.  My boyfriend and I talked about our options.  He told me he’d go along with whatever I decided.

Moment by moment I changed my mind.  Sometimes I thought about being a mom and even considered buying a crib.  The next minute I was certain I’d be a terrible mother. 

A couple weeks later, my boyfriend asked me to marry him, so we went to Las Vegas. I still wasn’t sure what to do about the pregnancy.  A week after we were married, I made an appointment to have an abortion.  

At the clinic they told me I wasn’t carrying a baby yet.  They informed me giving birth was more dangerous than an abortion.  I chose to be given general anesthesia. When I woke up, I knew I was no longer pregnant. 

Four months after my abortion, I got drunk while my husband was at work. I locked the bathroom door and cut myself. Then I dipped my index finger in my blood and wrote, “I killed my baby” on the bathroom wall.  I passed out, and came to after my husband got home and broke down the door. 

After my abortion I couldn’t stand seeing children and mothers playing together. Listening to people talk about pro-life or pro-choice issues angered me.  I continued to embrace the pro-choice movement for many years after having the abortion.  However, I didn’t want to talk or hear about it.  I also started feeling angry when people talked about their babies or showed me pictures of their children.  I kept thinking, “I wish they’d just shut-up and leave me alone!”

After a time of deep prayer, guilt, regret, and remorse surfaced.  I began to think about the age my baby would have been, hadn’t I aborted him/her.  One day in church, I viewed a film on a local Crisis Pregnancy Center.  At first I worried what other Christians would think if they knew what I’d done.  Would they reject and condemn me?  In the past I’d always thought CPC counselors were pro-life zealots ready to chastise post-abortive women.

The CPC had a booth set up on the church grounds, and I found literature on post-abortion counseling.  After getting the therapy I needed, I began volunteering at the CPC, counseling women going through crisis pregnancies. 

My abortion changed my life in ways that were very negative and destructive. First, it destroyed a living human being within my womb, which I now know was a blessing from God.  Second, my decision hurt my husband, who later told me he wished he had taken a stand and told me to keep our baby.  My choice stole the chance for my in-laws to enjoy their grandson or granddaughter.  Because of my decision to abort my child, I never wanted to get pregnant again. 

The good news is that I found forgiveness, reconciliation and began the healing process. God gave me the strength to face my choice. A few years after my abortion, I became a Christian and accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  I turned to Him and tearfully asked him to lift the heavy burden from me.  He answered my prayer.  God’s grace and love freed me to confess what I had done, know that He’d forgiven me, and I was able to forgive myself.   Because of this renewed hope, I’ve been able to talk with and console others who have had abortions or are in crises pregnancies.  I’m still in the process of healing, and this will probably continue throughout my life.  I will always regret my abortion.  But God’s truth has truly set me free from the shackles of despair, and has given me a sense of peace and joy that knows no limits.